We’ve heard the words countless times when making a call, stepping into a store, or approaching a customer service desk. “Hello, May I help you?” “Hi. How can I help you?” “Have you been helped?”
The concept of helpfulness was highlighted in a radio interview I listened to recently. The speaker was describing her first time attending a therapy session. She was filled with dread; certain she was the only person in the world with the level of panic she experienced daily and convinced that there was nothing that could be done to alleviate her distress. The therapist asked the typical questions: “What brings you here?” and “How long have you been experiencing these symptoms?” After several tearful minutes of the young woman describing her symptoms and the impact anxiety was having on her daily life, the therapist looked her squarely in the eyes and said in a clear and strong voice, “I can help you with that.” The young woman being interviewed recalled that moment as “the instant I knew I would be OK.” She went on to describe the hard work of treatment, all completed with this therapist by her side, living out the truth she had spoken to her: “I can help you with that.”
The impact of those simple words has stayed with me since hearing that radio interview. What was it in the words and demeanor of that therapist that was so life-changing for the person seeking help? How can I practice that kind of helpfulness in my life and my work? As I’ve pondered and begun more intentionally observing and practicing the art of helpfulness, I have a few ideas to offer:
Start by Listening
Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is simply to listen. Helping starts by genuinely listening without imposing our own ideas and advice or sharing our own similar experiences without truly honoring the person’s story or situation. There are times when what we all need is an empathic ear to help us clarify or organize our thoughts, simply by voicing them. When others have sat with me and simply listened without trying to solve something for me or offer advice, I have felt deeply valued. The act of listening with empathy and asking only clarifying questions such as “What did you hope for, and how did that work out?” or “What are you thinking you’d like to do next?” or “What is this like for you?” can be supremely helpful.
Share Your Sense of Confidence
The therapist described by the young woman in the radio interview had the knowledge, training, and skills needed to treat anxiety, and she was confident in those abilities. Sometimes being helpful means reassuring others that you are equipped to provide help. While each person and problem are unique, once the person has had a chance to describe what’s happening, sometimes acknowledging that you’ve been in a similar situation, helped to resolve a similar issue, or walked alongside someone with a similar problem can be reassuring. If you’ve gained experience, training, or figured out something the hard way, offer that reassurance freely!
When my computer is acting glitchy and not responding the way I expect, I always appreciate our company’s IT professionals’ ability to leverage their knowledge and experience without making me feel stupid or blamed. I am reassured when they say things like, “I’ve seen this issue before, and I can help you.” Even if it’s a completely new problem, or something I did to create the technical issue, focusing on solutions, providing reassurance that we can troubleshoot the problem together, and coming to a solution.
Reminding People of What is True
When we are struggling emotionally or are in the middle of solving a difficult problem, our judgments about ourselves and others can become distorted. We can feel alone and incapable of effective problem-solving. We may engage in negative self-talk or doubt our abilities. Having a trusted colleague, supervisor, or mentor remind us of our strengths can be a lifeline. During times of stress, words such as “I believe in you,” or “This is a difficult but solvable problem!” can be helpful through reinforcing a personal commitment, reassurance, and a sense of togetherness. When someone recognizes enduring strengths in me, I stand a few inches taller, I feel re-affirmed, and I’m more committed to pressing forward.
Showing Up & Checking In
Helpfulness involves creating spaces for friends and colleagues to share both their victories and fears, as well as their cringe moments and highlight reels. When a colleague actively celebrates and shares in your victories, they are communicating “We’re a team!” and “I’m in your corner!” When something is not going well, when projects are a struggle, or when personal life is difficult, it can ease the burden just by being reminded that we aren’t alone. Simply checking in with a call or text of “I’ve been thinking of you” and listening for and acknowledging a hard meeting, situation, or relationship dynamic communicates a posture of helpfulness.
Offering Ongoing Support & Accountability
The young woman in the radio interview described the months she spent doing the work of treatment in partnership with her therapist. She described a decision to trust the research and expertise the therapist offered, even when the work was grueling, and she doubted the signs of improvement. Helpfulness in this instance, in her words, sometimes looked “tough” with her therapist challenging her and holding her accountable for doing her homework, practicing skills, and engaging in new patterns of thinking. Helpfulness means staying engaged, cheering our friends and colleagues along through tough times, celebrating progress when we see it, and keeping shared commitments.
When in Doubt, Ask!
I appreciate it when people ask, “How can I be most helpful to you at this moment?” It allows me to consider what I may need and be clear and specific about what would be helpful. Perhaps what we need is to share our load by having someone else take on a part of a task or responsibility. At times what we need is expertise or someone to be a problem-solver! And other times we may just need to vent, share feelings and fears, or process verbally what we might do in response to a difficult situation. There are also times when we have no idea what help we need. A true “helper” is willing to ask and honor the response, even if that means sitting in the uncertainty alongside us, trusting that the gift of their presence is enough.
Take some time to exercise these “helpfulness muscles” and notice and appreciate when others demonstrate helpfulness to you in your professional and personal life.
